Category Archives: Audios

The Ultimate Wonder Drug

Feeling down? Is that what’s bugging you Sparky?

Never fear, Uncle Frankie’s here with just the pick-me-up you’re looking for.

Testosterone Blues

Take 19 parts Carbon, 28 parts Hydrogen and 2 parts Oxygen, mix ’em all up and what do you get?

Possibly the most powerful chemical known to humankind.

With His eye on perpetuating the species, God knew what He was doing when He whipped up this little baby.

Unfortunately, He forgot to list the side effects.

It’s crazy. Men will rape, kill, abuse children, start wars, ruin their business or political career, cheat on women they love and do stupid stuff like pay a million euros to deflower an Italian supermodel – just to get their rocks off.

Don’t believe me? Ask Bill Clinton, Marion Barry, John Wayne Gacy, Jimmy Swaggart, Wilbur Mills, Ted Bundy, Al Bundy, Jim McGreevey, Elliott Spitzer, Gary Hart, Hugh Grant, Jack The Ripper, Kwame Kilpatrick, Eddie Murphy, John F. Kennedy, Pat O’Brien, Thomas Jefferson, Barney Frank, Joey Buttafuoco, Jim Bakker, Frank Gifford, John Edwards, Old Greg, Wayne Hays, Sampson, Harry Nilsson, Paris, Napoleon, Adam, any random collection of British politicians or just about any woman who’s ever had to deal with any man,

And as for me? Sometime in my early 20s the whole crazy business struck me as so profound I felt compelled to write a song about it.

This recording of Testosterone Blues was produced in the late 1980s but written several years earlier. Though the lyrics are spoken in the first person, the voice is intended as that of all confused, helpless men afflicted with TB worldwide.

As for my singing? Now that’s funny!

Testosterone Blues
My body dominates my mind
I can only think about one thing all the time
I need a woman to pacify my brain
And if I don’t get some soon I’m gonna go insane
I’m just a man trying to toe the line
But I’m leading myself to a life a crime with lust
I’m consumed with lust

My needs are not easily filled
Just to get a little people have been known to kill
But it’s a weakness most everybody’s known
In my darkness I am not alone
I know we need to carry on the race
But we’d be better off without a trace of lust
Without a trace of lust

Now you better look out for HIV
Single people out there don’t know what to do or be
I saw it last night on the evening news
Another case of Testosterone Blues

If I’d done just half the things I’ve thought
My natural life would be spent in jail no doubt
But in the Bible just thinking it’s a sin
So I guess old Saint Peter ain’t never gonna let me in
I’m sorry Lord for what I say
But it was You made me this way with lust
When You created lust

Copyright 2008 | All Rights Reserved

You’re Breakin’ My Heart, So F U

This is an obscenely funny song. Literally.

And Harry Nilsson was a very funny fellow.

When I first heard it as a teenager, I thought “You’re Breaking My Heart” was possibly the greatest composition ever created.

In my senior will (remember that from high school?) I wanted to leave a copy to Anne Spaulding, who had unceremoniously dumped me at the top of a mountain on the senior ski trip. I learned about broken hearts – and how to ski – over the next hour on my first trip down a slope.

Though the message of the song matched exactly how I felt, I decided that the title just wouldn’t convey my feelings to most people. So I left her a copy of “You’re Such A Stupid Girl” by Neil Young instead.

Harry Nilsson’s name may not ring a bell but I guarantee you’ve heard his music. He sang “Everbody’s Talkin'” (the theme song to Midnight Cowboy), wrote and sang “(I Can’t Live If Living Is) Without You,” “My Best Friend” (the theme to the TV show “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father“), “One Is The Loneliest Number” (covered with huge success by Three Dog Night), “Jump Into The Fire” (used in Goodfellas during the helicopter sequence) and, perhaps most famously, “Lime In The Coconut.”

If you’re interested in hearing some more from Nilsson, you can purchase his album Nilsson Schmilsson from by clicking on this link, or by clicking on the album art above. I will probably post another song or two from him – not big hits but great (and funny) songs you’ve probably never heard.

By the way, this song nearly killed Harry’s career. When you think about it, it’s hard to believe that a record company would release an album containing this song in the early ’70s. Today, you can’t find a rap album that doesn’t drop the F bomb.

Because of the explicit lyrics, I’ve decided not to post the audio of this song on my home page. You can hear it by clicking on the “Keep reading” link below.

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Rock Me Charlie Brown

Why is this here? Because I think Charlie Brown is funny. Because, as a kid, I loved the Charlie Brown Christmas Special and the music from Vince Guaraldi. And, because I think this version of that show’s theme song, Linus & Lucy, is funny.

I was taught to play this classic by Michael Furey who also performed it as the recessional theme at my wedding. Needless to say, this song is near and dear to my heart.

This rocked-up version was performed by a garage band called Butterface that I was a member of a couple of years ago. That’s me on the piano, George West on guitar (and vocals!) and Adam Mason on the drums.

Do the Snoopy dance and see if you can figure out what the title is of the other cartoon theme song we play a snippet of starting at around 2:35 into this recording.

Post your answer as a comment to this blog posting. A winner chosen at random from the correct answers will recieve a gift card/certificate from Baskin Robbins for a sundae of their choice. Good luck kids!