Category Archives: Crime and Punishment

Uncle Frankie’s Top 10 for 2010

Well kids, another year has ended and, just like SportsCenter and Entertainment Tonight, Uncle Frankie is here to share his Top 10 Stories for 2010.

In no particular order, here they are:

1: Man Meets Cow, Man Screws Cow, Man Marries Cow

2: Technology Turns on a TSA Employee So He Turns on His Co-workers

3: The Rent Boy and The Reverend

4: Blowing Mr. Devito

5: School Board President Masturbates During Board Meeting

6: The Doll Husband

7: Father Gray Prefers The Older Boys

8: Going For More Beer

9: “Charlie Bit My Finger” Revisited

10: The Brazilian Love Dance

Those were not the most popular posts – you’ll see them shortly. They are just my personal favorites. Be sure to comment with some of your faves.

Here’s to hoping 2011 will bring us as much wacky human behavior to report on as last year did. No worries on that one kids.

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Today, Anyone Can Sing (Thanks To Technology)

I think Uncle Frankie needs one of them new-fangled Autotuners!

Technology marches on.

Attack of the Pool Poopers

Andrew "Am I going to be someone's jailhouse bitch?" Harris is on the left, while Michael "Yeah I did it and I'd do it again" Cline is on the right

There are some acts that are so beyond stupidity that they cannot be attributed to mental defect, drug abuse or youthful idiocy.

Such is the case of these two morons, who were recently arrested for throwing their own feces into the huge swimming pool at St. Petersburg’s swankiest hotel, the Renaissance Vinoy Resort & Golf Club.

The two idiots in question, eighteen-year-old Andrew Harris and 19-year-old Michael Cline were captured on surveillance video scaling the fence around the pool and then, well, this quote from abcactionnews.com says it all:

According to a police report the video shows Harris  “deficated in his shorts, reached into his shorts and fling feces all over the pool.” Police say Harris then reached into his shorts, grabbed another handful of feces, dove into the pool and smeared it along the bottom of the pool in the shape of an “X.”

Both teens then climbed into the hotel’s hot tub where police found them a short time later.

Harris decided the best way to pull off this caper was to shit his pants? For some reason that has never occurred to me as the optimal course of action – particularly as the first step in my plan.

These two boneheads make me ashamed to be a white male, ashamed that I was ever their age, hell they make me ashamed to be a human being!

I can hardly wait to hear what their punishment will be. Stay tuned…

Sex Ed Teacher By Day, Porn Star By Night

Who says “Those who can’t teach”?

Certainly not Benedict Garrett who goes by the porn star name of “Johnny Anglais.”

My boy Johnny, 30, has been teaching sex education to high-schoolers at least since he became head of Personal, Social, Health and Economic Education at Beal High School in Ilford, Essex, in 2008. But, even though he encourages his students to practice safe sex, he often rides bareback while on the set.

According to this story from the Daily Mail web site, Johnny doesn’t see what all the fuss is about:

‘I’m not ashamed of what I’ve done.

‘It is something I do in my personal life that doesn’t go against anything I teach the kids.

‘There are many more immoral ways to earn money than romping in front of the camera.

‘Lawyers defend paedophiles, bankers raise money using questionable means and large corporations often put finances ahead of the government.’

He added that he doesn’t use condoms when performing because he believes the risk of catching anything from a fellow porn star is ‘minute’.

Let’s face it folks, in today’s economy, everybody needs to working at least two jobs. And when it comes to sex, what kid could ask for a better teacher than Johnny Anglais?

Father Gray Prefers The Older Boys

Father Kevin J. Gray

Who says Catholic priests have a predilection for prepubescent boys?

Certainly not Father Kevin J. Gray, late of the Sacred Heart Parish in Waterbury, Connecticut.

According to this story in the Washington Post, Father Gray prefers boys old enough to require tuition payments, expensive wardrobes and rent checks in return for sexual favors. $1.3 million worth over the course of seven years. Allegedly.

Waterbury police have charged Gray with first-degree larceny. Arraignment was expected Tuesday in Waterbury Superior Court.

Gray, 64, used the money to stay at such hotels as the Waldorf-Astoria and on expensive clothing labels including Armani suits and Brooks Brothers, said Capt. Christopher Corbett. He also paid the college tuition and rent of two men he had met, Corbett said.

Sadly, the money the good Father was paying these rent-boys was coming right out of the collection plate. Not exactly doing the Lord’s work there, eh Father?

As I’ve said before, I have nothing against homosexuals, homosexual prostitutes or their clients. The thing that gets Uncle Frankie’s panties in a bunch is people who make a living telling the rest of how to live, not keeping their actions aligned with their words.

If you’re a Catholic who is offended by this posting – good for you! You should be offended – not by me but by Father Gray and every other supposed celibate who is living a double life while taking your confessions and contributions.

It would have been nice if God had made men without that extra ingredient of testosterone, but He didn’t. And acting like tens of thousands of grown men can go through their entire lives denying their sexuality isn’t just dogma, it’s idiocy.

Bring In The Decoy Jews!

Decoy Jew?

It doesn't make him a bad person

According to this story from the AP, Dutch officials in Amsterdam are considering having undercover agents pose as “Decoy Jews” in order to combat hate crimes.

“For ten years now Jews who are recognizable as such from their clothing can’t walk peacefully on the street,” the Center for Information and Documentation Israel, a Jewish activist group, said in a statement Friday. “The perpetrators of this kind of incident almost always get away unpunished.”

I’m sure this is a great idea but my question is, who does the casting for this part and what criteria are used to decide whether a given undercover agent would make an effective Decoy Jew?

Will they look for the same stereotypical facial features that your average bigot would recognize as distinctively Jewish? Or will they go truly undercover and bring in blond-haired blue-eyed Dutch boys and plop yarmulkes on their heads?

Kids, your old Uncle Frankie has been mistaken for a Decoy Jew many times in the past, without incident or offense. While I am not Jewish (strictly speaking or strictly kosher) some of my best friends are, God bless them.

These days, in keeping with the demographic changes sweeping the nation, I’m going for more of a Stealth Mexican look.

You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Mad Marshal

What happens when an anger-management counselor pulls out a loaded handgun in a traffic dispute with two U.S. Marshals? He gets a year in prison, loses his job and is ordered to undergo anger management therapy.

According to this story from the AP, Jose Luis Avila, an anger-management counselor and former priest from Annandale, Virginia, lost his temper while driving by two men he felt were impeding his progress by standing in the road.

Jose’s solution? Pull out his gun and tell those boys to get off his road.

Remember Padre, when you feel the anger welling up, count to 10, forgive and move on.