What could I possibly add to this?
Much love to TheLex for this submission.
A Game We Play
After sitting on the toilet to poop, you notice that there is less than one-quarter of a roll of toilet paper, and no spare in the bathroom.
You decide to poop anyway, gambling on the fact you will have enough toilet paper to have a satifying wipe.
Husband: “Honey, I just played Russian Toilette, and lost”
Wife: “Sucks to be you. Try not to bite your fingernails”
Another Great Word of The Day from our friends at the Urban Dictionary.
There are some acts that are so beyond stupidity that they cannot be attributed to mental defect, drug abuse or youthful idiocy.
Such is the case of these two morons, who were recently arrested for throwing their own feces into the huge swimming pool at St. Petersburg’s swankiest hotel, the Renaissance Vinoy Resort & Golf Club.
The two idiots in question, eighteen-year-old Andrew Harris and 19-year-old Michael Cline were captured on surveillance video scaling the fence around the pool and then, well, this quote from abcactionnews.com says it all:
According to a police report the video shows Harris “deficated in his shorts, reached into his shorts and fling feces all over the pool.” Police say Harris then reached into his shorts, grabbed another handful of feces, dove into the pool and smeared it along the bottom of the pool in the shape of an “X.”
Both teens then climbed into the hotel’s hot tub where police found them a short time later.
Harris decided the best way to pull off this caper was to shit his pants? For some reason that has never occurred to me as the optimal course of action – particularly as the first step in my plan.
These two boneheads make me ashamed to be a white male, ashamed that I was ever their age, hell they make me ashamed to be a human being!
I can hardly wait to hear what their punishment will be. Stay tuned…
Suddenly, nature called and he headed for the bathroom.
God only knows how long he was in there or what he was doing, but by the time he finally opened the bathroom door to exit, he was confronted by a thick cloud of black smoke coming from the kitchen.
So, what does he do? What would you do kids? Probably not what he did.
He went back into the bathroom, shut the door, tried to break through the drywall into the utility room and got stuck.
Don’t believe me? Watch this video.
Could alcohol have been involved in this incident? You tell me.
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
“I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”
“Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn.
The teacher held her breath …
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk.
“$2,467,” he said.
“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”
“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.
“Toothbrushes!” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”
“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Chip & Dip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.”
They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog shit!”
Then I would say, “It is dog shit. Wanna’ buy a toothbrush?”
Many thanks to Vicki O for sending this one in.
(Spoken a la “A dingo took my baby!” from the movie “A Cry In The Dark”)
According to this story on the Fox News web site, an unnamed 22 year-old Canadian tourist was nearly killed when a venomous katipo spider bit him on the penis.
The offending arachnid thought he had found a cozy home in our hero’s shorts which were left on the beach. But, after returning from a bracing skinny-dip in the surf, redonning his shorts and falling asleep, our boy awoke with a start!
Within minutes, the spider’s venom was causing him to have agonizing chest pains, a racing heart, high blood pressure and severe swelling to his penis.
I hate when that happens!
Our turgid Canadian recovered completely – after spending 16 days in the hospital. YIKES!
I doubt he’ll be cast as the next Smiling Bob on those Enzyte commercials – though I don’t doubt he could give Bob a run for his money in the junk department.