Category Archives: Alcohol & Drugs

Sensitivity Test for Men

This test is intended exclusively for straight, red-blooded U.S. Males.

Please answer each question below as quickly and honestly as possible.

If you answer more than zero questions either “A” or “B” you must turn in your American Manly Men membership card at the nearest Curves Fitness Center

  1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
    A. Lovemaking.
    B. Screwing.
    C. Riding the baloney pony all the way to tuna town.
  2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
    A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
    B. Your blood-test results.
    C. Five tequila slammers.
  3. You time your orgasm so that:
    A. Your partner climaxes first.
    B. You both climax simultaneously.
    C. You don’t miss ESPN Sports Center.
  4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
    A. Healthy, creative love-play..
    B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
    C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.
  5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
    A. The best part of the experience.
    B. The second best part of the experience.
    C. $700 extra.
  6. Your wife/girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
    A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
    B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
    C. A conservative estimate.
  7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:
    A. A myth.
    B. An oxymoron.
    C. A moron.
  8. Foreplay is to sex as:
    A. An appetizer is to entree.
    B. Primer is to paint.
    C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
  9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
    A. I hope we can still be friends.
    B. I’m not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
    C. Welcome to Dumpsville, USA. Population, YOU.
  10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
    A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
    B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
    C. Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

Muchas Gracias to Geno The Magnificent for sending this one in over the transom.

Why You Drink

Check out GraphJam.com for more of the same.

Going For More Beer

Don’t know if you caught this one on YouTube but it is worth a watch.

Be sure to watch the very end. Enjoy!

Mucho props to Big Dog for sending this one in.

How to Spell “Stupid” in Russian

Ah, the decisions we make while under the influence…

You don’t have to understand Russian to understand what these guys are saying.

How to Know if You’re Edumacted

Two Texas farmers, Bubba and Jimbo, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Bubba turns to Jimbo and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes.”

Jimbo thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets with the Dean of Admissions who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

“Logic?” Bubba says. “What’s that?”

The dean says, “I’ll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”

“Yeah.”

“Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.”

“That’s true, I do have a yard.”

“I’m not done,” the dean says. “Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”

“Yes, I do have a house.”

“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”

“Yes, I have a family.”

“I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.”

“I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.”

Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Jimbo at the bar. He tells Jimbo about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

“Logic?” Jimbo says, “What’s that?”

Bubba says, “I’ll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?”

“No.”

“Then you’re a queer.

Thanks to RJ for sending this one in.

Attack of the Pool Poopers

Andrew "Am I going to be someone's jailhouse bitch?" Harris is on the left, while Michael "Yeah I did it and I'd do it again" Cline is on the right

There are some acts that are so beyond stupidity that they cannot be attributed to mental defect, drug abuse or youthful idiocy.

Such is the case of these two morons, who were recently arrested for throwing their own feces into the huge swimming pool at St. Petersburg’s swankiest hotel, the Renaissance Vinoy Resort & Golf Club.

The two idiots in question, eighteen-year-old Andrew Harris and 19-year-old Michael Cline were captured on surveillance video scaling the fence around the pool and then, well, this quote from abcactionnews.com says it all:

According to a police report the video shows HarrisĀ  “deficated in his shorts, reached into his shorts and fling feces all over the pool.” Police say Harris then reached into his shorts, grabbed another handful of feces, dove into the pool and smeared it along the bottom of the pool in the shape of an “X.”

Both teens then climbed into the hotel’s hot tub where police found them a short time later.

Harris decided the best way to pull off this caper was to shit his pants? For some reason that has never occurred to me as the optimal course of action – particularly as the first step in my plan.

These two boneheads make me ashamed to be a white male, ashamed that I was ever their age, hell they make me ashamed to be a human being!

I can hardly wait to hear what their punishment will be. Stay tuned…

I Got It!

That's going to leave a mark!

According to this story on AOL Fanhouse, an unnamed baseball fan fell 30 feet from the upper deck of Rangers Stadium in Arlington, Texas yesterday, trying to catch a foul ball.

He had been reaching for a foul ball off the bat of Nelson Cruz when it caromed off the facade of the stadium. The fan then, with his back to the field, reached up and over his head, losing balance in the process and tumbling over the railing.

While the fall was not captured on video, thousands of fans and several players on the field witnessed it and were visibly shaken afterward.

Play was suspended for 16 minutes while the hapless man, who landed on his back, was attended to by paramedics. He was able to move all four extremities later at the hospital. Four fans in the lower deck were also injured when landed upon. While not seriously injured, they were clearly pissed!

This unusual occurrence is rarely captured on film but your old Uncle Frankie did witness an addled concert-goer fall from the second deck of RFK Stadium in Washington, DC during a rock show in the 1970s. That person simply stood up and walked away.

I’m sure he felt it in the morning.