Tag Archives: you can’t fix stupid

Don’t Taze My Granny!

Screw you copper!

Screw you copper!

According to this story at CourthouseNews.com, ten brave officers from the El Reno, Oklahoma police department barged into a bedridden 86 year-old woman’s apartment and tasered and handcuffed her after she “took a more aggressive posture in her bed.”

The woman’s grandson had placed a 911 call to have EMTs evaluate her medical condition after she could not communicate to him when she had last taken her prescription medication. Instead of EMTs a whole posse of poh-lease showed up loaded for bear.

Granny got pissed and told the cops to beat it, at which point…

“Instead, the apparent leader of the police [defendant Thomas Duran] instructed another policeman to ‘Taser her!’ He stated in his report that the 86 year-old plaintiff ‘took a more aggressive posture in her bed,’ and that he was fearful for his safety and the safety of others.

“Lonnie Tinsley told them, ‘Don’t taze my Granny!’ to which they responded that they would Taser him; instead, they pulled him out of her apartment, took him down to the floor, handcuffed him and placed him in the back of a police car.

Tinsley says the cops capped it all off by having his grandmother “placed in the psychiatric ward at the direction of the El Reno police; she was held there for six days and released.”

“The police then proceeded to approach Ms. Varner in her bed and stepped on her oxygen hose until she began to suffer oxygen deprivation.

“The police then fired a Taser at her and only one wire struck her, in the left arm; the police then fired a second Taser, striking her to the right and left of the midline of her upper chest and applied high voltage, causing burns to her chest, extreme pain and to pass out.

“The police then grabbed Ms. Varner by her forearms and jerked hands together, causing her soft flesh to tear and bleed on her bed; they then handcuffed her.

“The police freed Lonnie Tinsley from his incarceration in the back of the police car and permitted him to accompany the ambulance with his grandmother.”

There’s a lesson here kids, the same one (and probably the only one I ever successfully) taught my kids: When Mr. Policeman comes into your life, the only three legitimate utterances are Yes Sir, No Sir, No Excuse Sir.

I guess old Granny just wasn’t raised right. And there ain’t no fixin’ that.

Mr. Whipple Picks The Wrong Place To Pass Out Drunk

Where's the party Dude?

Where's the party Dude?

Far be it from Uncle Frankie to disparage someone for passing out drunk. This is one behavior, however, where picking the right spot is critical.

Sadly, 48 year-old Largo, Florida resident Jerry Whipple didn’t stop to give this choice much thought Wednesday morning.

According to this story on WUSA9.com, Whipple chose a baby-sized pool floaty to pass-out on, in the ocean. While no one (including Mr. Whipple) can say for sure where or when he started his maritime adventure, it must have taken hours for him to float over a mile from shore before being found around 12:30 p.m. by a passing boater who called the Coast Guard.

The fact that he was spotted at all was a complete fluke. Even the passing boater thought what he saw on the surface was just random debris and almost chose to ignore it.

Mr. Whipple didn’t wake up when the boater blew his horn or shouted and in fact never came-to until he was hauled up on the Coast Guard vessel, at which point he had no idea where he was or what day or time it was.

“He was sitting on a small pool raft. Had no idea where he was, didn’t know what time of day it was, how long he was out for, or even how far off shore he was,” says Petty Officer Brodie MacDonald of the U.S. Coast Guard. “The winds were blowing him further out. Really is quite lucky he is still alive today.”

No word yet whether he will face any charges though the Coast Guard can file charges for operating a “boat” under the influence of alcohol, no matter how small it may be.

Hey Mr. Whipple – don’t squeeze the shark bait!

Heads On A Plane!

Heads On A Plane!Yikes kids! According to this story on the NBC Dallas web site, a box filled with 40-60 human heads was discovered by a suspicious Southwest Airlines employee in Little Rock.

The employee stopped a courier and asked “What’s in the box?” When the courier professed not to know the answer the airline guy opened the box, looked in and got the surprise of his life.

This is definitely a case of You Know You’re Having A Bad Day At Work When…

Dude, I’ll Trade You This iPod and Some Chronic for that Awesome iPad!

Jacob Walker, AKA Dude!

Only in Arizona…

According to this story on the ABC15 web site, a 20 year-old Gilbert, Arizona resident named Jacob Walker posted an ad on craigslist offering to trade an iPod Touch and about seven grams of weed for a 32G iPad.

Dude! What a sweet deal!

Unfortunately for Jacob, the local cops were the first responders to his ad. When Jacob and his homie Jacob Valdere showed up  and showed the cops their chronic, the cuffs came out and the curtain came down.

Now both Jacobs are under arrest for possession and the attempted sale of an illegal substance.

iPod + Weed = iPad?

Dudes! What? Were you stoned or something?

Even old Freewheelin’ Frank (a member of the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers back in the 70s) knew better than to advertise. This is not cool dudes, not cool at all.

GEESH! Kids these days!

Do You Ngurah, Take This Bovine to be Your Lawfully Wedded Wife?

According to this story in the Jakarta Globe, well… read it for yourself.

C'mon Baby, you KNOW you want it

A Balinese teenager caught in the act of intercourse with a cow passed out on Friday when he was forced to marry the animal in a ceremony witnessed by hundreds of curious onlookers.

As the Jakarta Globe reported earlier in the day, Ngurah Alit, 18, an unemployed youth from the seaside village of Yeh Embang in Jembrana, was caught stark naked positioned behind the cow in a rice paddy field.

In his defence, Alit admitted to the act of bestiality but claimed the cow, which he believed was a young and beautiful woman, had wooed him with flattering compliments.

As part of a Pecaruan ritual, a ceremony to cleanse the village of the unholy act of a man mating with a cow, Alit was forced to “marry” the animal.

Alit, however, according to Detik.com, passed out surrounded by locals and police, who were attempting to prevent a number of journalists from covering the spectacle.

It is unclear whether or not he got to say “I do.”

Shamelessly stolen from Dvorak.com.

Why Some Women Stay Single

I have never understood why women put up with men. Most of our functions can be outsourced to an electrical appliance without having to deal with anything like what’s pictured below.

I mean sure, take out the trash twice a week, kill the occasional spider, etc. But for that you’d be willing to live with this? I don’t think so.

You missed a spot!

You missed a spot!

You are the wind beneath my wings

You are the wind beneath my wings

Get in my belly!

Get in my belly!

The world's baddest man under four feet

The world's baddest man under four feet, and his "partner" Slim

Beavis hates his forehead

Beavis hates his forehead

Domestic Godess

Domestic Godess

Is that a hard hat in your pants or are you just glad to see me?

Is that a hard hat in your pants or are you just glad to see me?

Pinch me! I must be dreaming!

Pinch me! I must be dreaming!

Now you know what's under the kilt

Now you know what's under the kilt

I am Tron. Respect my authori-tie!

I am Tron. Respect my authori-tie!

Many thanks to Vicki-O for sending these in!

The Real Reason You Don’t Want To Watch Sausage Being Made

According to this story from the Associated Press, a man was taken to a hospital after being sucked into a machine at a sausage-making company.

Police said the man’s head and shoulders became stuck in the machine after it somehow activated while being cleaned.

OSHA should have a lot of fun with this one.