Category Archives: Religion

What Is The Cost of Virginity?

About $3,600 American, in case you’re interested.

According to this article on the BBC News web site, an unknown number of women from Arab and Asian countries travel to Paris each year to have their virginity restored at a specialty plastic surgery clinic.

Why are they doing this? To avoid being ostracized – or possibly murdered – if it is discovered that they had sex before marriage.

They want to ensure that blood is spilled on their wedding night sheets.

Romantic, eh?

For those on a budget, several Chinese manufacturers are marketing “artificial hymens” on the web for around $30. Oh those crazy Chinamen.

Clearly this is one of those “Funny hmm…” stories. There is nothing humorous about it. What is amazing is the hubris of the men and families who are willing to commit “honor murders” against women they supposedly love because they feel shamed by female extramarital sex.

As usual, there are apparently no penalties for the guys who “got lucky” with these girls.

Pastor Gas

Alright, I know it’s juvenile and scatological but, God help me, it’s funny.

I find very few things funnier than an over-the-top televangelist, but it turns out that syncing 29 random fart sounds to this guy’s squints turns out to be one of those few things.

Every Day I Get An Email From God

No, really. Every morning I find a message from God in my inbox.

God reaching out to Frank everyday. How am I looking ladies?

God reaches out to me every day. How am I looking ladies? It was really chilly that day - I swear!

Here’s the one I got this morning:

Ever wonder what would make life’s fleeting pain and sorrow totally and unquestionably “worth it,” Frank?

How about living forever, wildly in love and loved wildly?

Yeah, baby –

As fathers go, I’d say he’s very supportive emotionally. And accessible.

Actually, each day’s email is signed “The Universe,” but I choose to believe that it comes from God. After all, isn’t that what faith’s all about?

Since everybody has a different name for God, I think the guy who generates these emails, Mike Dooley, sticks with the Universe moniker to keep the whole “Name of God” issue from getting in the way of his message, which is “Thoughts become things, dreams come true, and all things remain forever possible.”

Great stuff.

Anyone can sign-up to get their own personal email from God every morning, but you have to take an oath:

“In the face of adversity, uncertainty and conflicting sensory information, I hereby pledge to remain ever mindful of the magical, infinite, loving reality in which I live. A reality that conspires tirelessly in my favor.

“I further recognize that living within space and time, as a Creation amongst my Creations, is the ultimate Adventure because thoughts become things, dreams come true and all things remain forever possible.”

“As a Being of Light, I hereby resolve to live, love and be happy, at all costs, no matter what, with reverence and kindness for All. So be it!”

If that’s more of an oath than you’re willing to take, God says he’ll still send you emails every morning if you’ll sign up here.

I took the oath but I’ll have to admit that I don’t always live up to it. God told me he’s okay with that as long as I keep trying.

Pretty cool Pops.

I Love Jesus But I Drink A Little

This 6:56 clip from the Ellen Degeneres Show is priceless. You have to get to about 1:30 before the really fun stuff starts. Fast forward to that point if you like but the first minute or so sets up what happens later.

Gladys Hardy of Austin, Texas is an 88 year-old piece of work who loves Ellen and her show. Apparently she likes a nip or two now and then as well.

Yet another submission from the mysterious Chuck Carpenter.

Kids Say The Darndest Things

Put this baby on your Christmas list kids.

It’s the Little Mommy Real Loving Baby Cuddle and Coo from Fisher-Price. And if the name isn’t enough to get that credit card out, what she has to say will surely seal the deal.

Testosterone Blues

Take 19 parts Carbon, 28 parts Hydrogen and 2 parts Oxygen, mix ’em all up and what do you get?

Possibly the most powerful chemical known to humankind.

With His eye on perpetuating the species, God knew what He was doing when He whipped up this little baby.

Unfortunately, He forgot to list the side effects.

It’s crazy. Men will rape, kill, abuse children, start wars, ruin their business or political career, cheat on women they love and do stupid stuff like pay a million euros to deflower an Italian supermodel – just to get their rocks off.

Don’t believe me? Ask Bill Clinton, Marion Barry, John Wayne Gacy, Jimmy Swaggart, Wilbur Mills, Ted Bundy, Al Bundy, Jim McGreevey, Elliott Spitzer, Gary Hart, Hugh Grant, Jack The Ripper, Kwame Kilpatrick, Eddie Murphy, John F. Kennedy, Pat O’Brien, Thomas Jefferson, Barney Frank, Joey Buttafuoco, Jim Bakker, Frank Gifford, John Edwards, Old Greg, Wayne Hays, Sampson, Harry Nilsson, Paris, Napoleon, Adam, any random collection of British politicians or just about any woman who’s ever had to deal with any man,

And as for me? Sometime in my early 20s the whole crazy business struck me as so profound I felt compelled to write a song about it.

This recording of Testosterone Blues was produced in the late 1980s but written several years earlier. Though the lyrics are spoken in the first person, the voice is intended as that of all confused, helpless men afflicted with TB worldwide.

As for my singing? Now that’s funny!

Testosterone Blues
My body dominates my mind
I can only think about one thing all the time
I need a woman to pacify my brain
And if I don’t get some soon I’m gonna go insane
I’m just a man trying to toe the line
But I’m leading myself to a life a crime with lust
I’m consumed with lust

My needs are not easily filled
Just to get a little people have been known to kill
But it’s a weakness most everybody’s known
In my darkness I am not alone
I know we need to carry on the race
But we’d be better off without a trace of lust
Without a trace of lust

Now you better look out for HIV
Single people out there don’t know what to do or be
I saw it last night on the evening news
Another case of Testosterone Blues

If I’d done just half the things I’ve thought
My natural life would be spent in jail no doubt
But in the Bible just thinking it’s a sin
So I guess old Saint Peter ain’t never gonna let me in
I’m sorry Lord for what I say
But it was You made me this way with lust
When You created lust

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