Category Archives: Mr. Policeman

Don’t Taze My Granny!

Screw you copper!

Screw you copper!

According to this story at, ten brave officers from the El Reno, Oklahoma police department barged into a bedridden 86 year-old woman’s apartment and tasered and handcuffed her after she “took a more aggressive posture in her bed.”

The woman’s grandson had placed a 911 call to have EMTs evaluate her medical condition after she could not communicate to him when she had last taken her prescription medication. Instead of EMTs a whole posse of poh-lease showed up loaded for bear.

Granny got pissed and told the cops to beat it, at which point…

“Instead, the apparent leader of the police [defendant Thomas Duran] instructed another policeman to ‘Taser her!’ He stated in his report that the 86 year-old plaintiff ‘took a more aggressive posture in her bed,’ and that he was fearful for his safety and the safety of others.

“Lonnie Tinsley told them, ‘Don’t taze my Granny!’ to which they responded that they would Taser him; instead, they pulled him out of her apartment, took him down to the floor, handcuffed him and placed him in the back of a police car.

Tinsley says the cops capped it all off by having his grandmother “placed in the psychiatric ward at the direction of the El Reno police; she was held there for six days and released.”

“The police then proceeded to approach Ms. Varner in her bed and stepped on her oxygen hose until she began to suffer oxygen deprivation.

“The police then fired a Taser at her and only one wire struck her, in the left arm; the police then fired a second Taser, striking her to the right and left of the midline of her upper chest and applied high voltage, causing burns to her chest, extreme pain and to pass out.

“The police then grabbed Ms. Varner by her forearms and jerked hands together, causing her soft flesh to tear and bleed on her bed; they then handcuffed her.

“The police freed Lonnie Tinsley from his incarceration in the back of the police car and permitted him to accompany the ambulance with his grandmother.”

There’s a lesson here kids, the same one (and probably the only one I ever successfully) taught my kids: When Mr. Policeman comes into your life, the only three legitimate utterances are Yes Sir, No Sir, No Excuse Sir.

I guess old Granny just wasn’t raised right. And there ain’t no fixin’ that.

The Suspect Was Described As A Young Black Male

According to this article in the New York Daily News, Conrad Zdzierak (another z please?) wore an expensive “Hollywood quality” mask during a series of armed robberies to disguise the fact that he’s a white man.

His ruse would have worked except for the fact that someone saw the remnants of a dye-pack explosion inside his Volvo. Shortly thereafter, authorities found him hiding inside a motel room. He’s currently being held on $3 million bail.

I have to hand it to Johnny Law on this one. How would you ever find a black guy named Zdzierak driving a Volvo?

Remember: Don’t Vomit on the Police Captain

Classy Matthew Clemens

According to this article in the Baltimore Sun, 21 year-old Matthew Clemens of Cherry Hill, New Jersey decided it was a good idea to purposely vomit on the man sitting in front of him, and on the man’s 11 year-old daughter while he was at it.

Sadly, what Classy Clemens didn’t count on was the man being a police captain. Damn! And it seemed like such a good idea otherwise.

As you can see from his picture, Matthew was also surprised to learn of the reaction of other fans sitting nearby who pummeled him repeatedly while holding him until uniformed officers arrived.

Mr. Matt is being held on $36,000 bond and is charge with reckless endangerment, assault, disorderly conduct and “related charges.”

“It was the most vile, disgusting thing I’ve ever seen,” Vangelo said Friday. “He has two fingers down his throat, he lunges forward and vomits on myself and my 11-year-old.”

I’m sure Matthew and his cellies are sharing some big yucks over this one right about now.

Many thanks to Jason for sharing this story on Facebook.

Sheriff Joe Invents “Pedal Vision”

One of the few things I don’t miss about living in Arizona is Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio.

You may have heard of Sheriff Joe. He’s the one that makes his prisoners wear pink underwear and live outside in tents in the sweltering Arizona sun. Don’t be surprised if you see him running for President some day.

Well he’s outdone himself this time with the invention of “Pedal Vision.” Now I’ve heard of Spank-A-Vision and Smell-A-Vision but only Sheriff Joe could have create a machine that prisoners have to pedal in order to watch TV.

As of April first, all Maricopa County Jail prisoners who wish to watch television will have to pedal a stationary bike connected to a generator to keep the TV turned on.

To Joe’s credit, he’s simply trying to make living in jail as uncomfortable as possible. Hard to argue with the success he’s had in that effort.


How do you read that line?


Well, according to the Colorado Independent, the Colorado Department of Motor Vehicles said that it could be interpreted as a sexual message and so denied a vegan’s request to express their love of tofu on their license plate.

Is there no limit to which Big Brother will not go to keep us down?