Category Archives: Frank’s Stuff

Uncle Frankie’s Gift Shop

Uncle Frankie's Dog Spike

No animals are harmed in the production of Uncle Frankie products

After providing millions of ungrateful visitors free chuckles for nearly three years, Uncle Frankie is selling out.

That’s right, I’ve jumped the shark and decided that it’s time to start making some money off of this site.

My first venture is Uncle Frankie’s Gift Shop, which you can visit by clicking this link or by clicking on any of these photos.

You can combine any design with any product. Some samples are shown below.

Thanks in advance for your patronage, you cheap bastards!

For that special Brazilian brew

You be the judge

For that special person in your life

Hey kids, what time is it?

For the woman who has everything

When you just can't decide what it's gonna' be tonight

The question on the mind of 10 million Teabaggers

I am nothing if not helpful

Tag line for the web site "Conjugal Harmony"

Life is a series of choices

I ain't sayin' nothin', I'm just sayin'

A Winter Wonderland

Here in the Washington, DC area we have ┬áhad over 30″ of snow in just the last week. As you can see below, not everyone is upset about this meteorological anomaly.

Cricket, Caeser and Cracker Pulling a Sled

Cricket, Caeser and Cracker Pulling a Sled

Tits, Ass… and Cholesterol

Went to lunch at a place called The Heart Attack Grill on Thursday with a few friends. Unbelievable.

It’s like a cross between a strip club and a Burger King. Nothing on the menu but gigantic burgers and hand-cut fries deep-fried in lard. One of their many innovations is an all-you-can-eat french fry bar. Why didn’t I think of that?

Personally, I’m not offended. In fact, I’m fascinated by the business model this guy has put together!

This is a franchise waiting to happen. The burgers are dynamite but the fries are not for me. But the vast selection of beers and tequila is right up my alley. And the girls are really hot!

Believe me gentlemen, if you’ve been looking for an excuse to fly out to Arizona for a golf vacation, the Heart Attack Grill is it!

Uncle Frankie’s Top 10 for 2008

It’s that time of year – time for everybody’s personal best of 2008 lists. Here are the top 10 things I found funny this year.

I’m sure everyone will disagree about something I’ve listed here. So please comment with one or more of your Frankie Faves for 2008.

Happy New Year!

Uncle Frankie: Witness to History

Just came across this photo on FoundShit.com. Man, did it take me back to the day… Why? Because I once knew this guy.

If you are of a certain age you may remember the original Life Magazine photograph (shown farther down in this post along with the very disturbing NBC News video clip) from which this piece of street art is adapted. The fact that the image was used 40 years after the original incident as the inspiration for a random piece of street art, attests to its power and historical significance.

flower-spray-street-art1

Taken February 2, 1968, the second day of the Tet Offensive by Eddie Adams, who won a Pulitzer Prize for it, the photo shows South Vietnamese National Police Chief Brigadier General Nguyen Ngoc Loan, executing a Viet Cong prisoner on the street in Saigon. Some have dubbed the shot “The Instant of Death.”

Here are some historical tidbits related to the story:

Adams snapped his unforgettable shot on day two of the Tet Offensive. Tet was a coordinated assault by more than 80,000 North Vietnamese and VC troops on 36 (of 44) provincial capitals, 5 (of 6) autonomous cities, and 64 (of 242) district capitals in South Vietnam. It was a surprise attack during a holiday truce (for the Vietnamese New Year). The fighting lasted a few months in several different theaters. It ended with a resounding American victory. But media coverage in general, and Adams’s photograph in particular, transformed it into a Pyrrhic victory.

century0258

So, what does all of this have to do with your friend Frank?

In the early 1980s a small, family-owned restaurant called Les Trois Continents opened in the Rolling Valley Mall near my home in Springfield, Virginia. Shortly thereafter, a very small, soft-spoken Vietnamese man came to our print shop to get some menus typeset and printed for the restaurant. I soon learned that he was none other than Nguyen Ngoc Loan, the man firing the pistol in the photo.

The restaurant’s name means The Three Continents in French and refers to Vietnam’s history as the French colony, French Indochina. Like many members of the wealthier class in Vietnam, General Loan was born in Vietnam, educated in France and immigrated to the United States after the fall of Saigon. Hence the name.

Our family went to his restaurant many times because of the great food and friendly service. I only asked General Loan about the incident once. He acknowledged his identity but said he would prefer not to speak about the event. His only comment was that the picture was taken out of context and that he had no regrets about his actions.

“There is no way you could understand what was going on that day,” he said and left it with that. Hard to disagree.

To this day, the contradiction of the man confounds me. He was about 5′ 2″, maybe 95 lbs., had a severe leg injury and walked very slowly and feebly with the aid of a cane. He was funny, worldly, polite and humble. And yet this same man was capable of calmly drawing a pistol from his hip, shooting an unarmed, bound man directly in the temple in front of scores of witnesses, returning his gun just as matter-of factly to his holster and quietly walking away, leaving the man in the street like a dog with his brains and blood running out.

If nothing else, this is testimony to the fact that you just never know a person’s back story when you meet them.

In spite of the great food and service, the restaurant did not do very well and closed a couple of years later. I never saw General Loan again.

That’s today’s entry from the Frankie File kids. Below is the short video clip from NBC News. BE ADVISED: you will probably never see such graphic, real violence anywhere else.

In doing my research for this posting, I came across this interview with Eddie Adams, the photographer. He says that the photo ruined Loan’s life. He was severely wounded in the leg and sent to the states for medical treatment and recovery. Watch this short interview, it’s a very interesting postscript to the whole story and also ties into my part.

This is about as heavy as it comes from me kids. More funny stuff later, I swear!

Frankie and Johnny, Revisited

About 100 years ago, three guys got together and wrote a song called Frankie and Johnny.

frankie-and-johnnyI became aware of it as a kid because one of the dads in my neighborhood used to sing a refrain from it every time I came over to his house to play with his kids.

I really hated that. I hated being called Frankie and didn’t want in any way to be connected to some ancient song.

Then one day, for some reason, I felt inspired to write a song modeled after it. And these days I call myself Frankie. Ain’t life strange kids?

In the original version, Frankie is the girl and Johnny “was her man, and he was doin’ her wrong.”

In my version the story gets turned around. The guy finds out his woman is running around on him but decides he doesn’t mind that as long as she doesn’t make it so obvious.

Much like the original version, which was written as a Ragtime tune, I play my song in a barrel house piano style with a walking left hand. At the very end I reprise the original melody line. See if you recognize it.

BTW: Sorry about the poor fidelity. This was recorded in a small room with a single mic hanging from the ceiling!

Frankie and Johnny, Revisited

I went downtown a fortnight ago
Saw my old lady with my old buddy Joe
Found out that night she don’t love me no more
Baby been messin’, leave me all alone

Baby oh Baby why you do me this way?
Everybody knows how you run and play
And now people been talkin’ my name into the mud
How’s about some discretion?
‘Preciate it if you would

I really don’t care if you don’t love me
I only really care what other people see
Let’s show ’em we’re happy and so much in love
You can have other lovers but let’s us be in love

Performed with my Butterface bandmates, George West on guitar (and “vocals”) and Adam Mason on drums.

Copyright 2008

Every Day I Get An Email From God

No, really. Every morning I find a message from God in my inbox.

God reaching out to Frank everyday. How am I looking ladies?

God reaches out to me every day. How am I looking ladies? It was really chilly that day - I swear!

Here’s the one I got this morning:

Ever wonder what would make life’s fleeting pain and sorrow totally and unquestionably “worth it,” Frank?

How about living forever, wildly in love and loved wildly?

Yeah, baby –

As fathers go, I’d say he’s very supportive emotionally. And accessible.

Actually, each day’s email is signed “The Universe,” but I choose to believe that it comes from God. After all, isn’t that what faith’s all about?

Since everybody has a different name for God, I think the guy who generates these emails, Mike Dooley, sticks with the Universe moniker to keep the whole “Name of God” issue from getting in the way of his message, which is “Thoughts become things, dreams come true, and all things remain forever possible.”

Great stuff.

Anyone can sign-up to get their own personal email from God every morning, but you have to take an oath:

“In the face of adversity, uncertainty and conflicting sensory information, I hereby pledge to remain ever mindful of the magical, infinite, loving reality in which I live. A reality that conspires tirelessly in my favor.

“I further recognize that living within space and time, as a Creation amongst my Creations, is the ultimate Adventure because thoughts become things, dreams come true and all things remain forever possible.”

“As a Being of Light, I hereby resolve to live, love and be happy, at all costs, no matter what, with reverence and kindness for All. So be it!”

If that’s more of an oath than you’re willing to take, God says he’ll still send you emails every morning if you’ll sign up here.

I took the oath but I’ll have to admit that I don’t always live up to it. God told me he’s okay with that as long as I keep trying.

Pretty cool Pops.