Category Archives: Health Issues

Attack of the Pool Poopers

Andrew "Am I going to be someone's jailhouse bitch?" Harris is on the left, while Michael "Yeah I did it and I'd do it again" Cline is on the right

There are some acts that are so beyond stupidity that they cannot be attributed to mental defect, drug abuse or youthful idiocy.

Such is the case of these two morons, who were recently arrested for throwing their own feces into the huge swimming pool at St. Petersburg’s swankiest hotel, the Renaissance Vinoy Resort & Golf Club.

The two idiots in question, eighteen-year-old Andrew Harris and 19-year-old Michael Cline were captured on surveillance video scaling the fence around the pool and then, well, this quote from abcactionnews.com says it all:

According to a police report the video shows Harris  “deficated in his shorts, reached into his shorts and fling feces all over the pool.” Police say Harris then reached into his shorts, grabbed another handful of feces, dove into the pool and smeared it along the bottom of the pool in the shape of an “X.”

Both teens then climbed into the hotel’s hot tub where police found them a short time later.

Harris decided the best way to pull off this caper was to shit his pants? For some reason that has never occurred to me as the optimal course of action – particularly as the first step in my plan.

These two boneheads make me ashamed to be a white male, ashamed that I was ever their age, hell they make me ashamed to be a human being!

I can hardly wait to hear what their punishment will be. Stay tuned…

Puff The Magic Dragon

First off, let me apologize in advance to all of you people who may be offended, shocked or just plain grossed out by the subject matter of this posting.

True, I didn’t “have to” post this material. But I really didn’t feel I had any choice. These pictures are so outrageous and so hilarious that they were absolutely made for this site.

If you don’t like it, don’t look. Well, even if you do look you’re almost sure not to like it. This is the phallic equivalent of a train wreck: you can’t look away.

Believe it or not, there was one picture I chose not to include in this gallery because it is just too rude!

Sex Ed Teacher By Day, Porn Star By Night

Who says “Those who can’t teach”?

Certainly not Benedict Garrett who goes by the porn star name of “Johnny Anglais.”

My boy Johnny, 30, has been teaching sex education to high-schoolers at least since he became head of Personal, Social, Health and Economic Education at Beal High School in Ilford, Essex, in 2008. But, even though he encourages his students to practice safe sex, he often rides bareback while on the set.

According to this story from the Daily Mail web site, Johnny doesn’t see what all the fuss is about:

‘I’m not ashamed of what I’ve done.

‘It is something I do in my personal life that doesn’t go against anything I teach the kids.

‘There are many more immoral ways to earn money than romping in front of the camera.

‘Lawyers defend paedophiles, bankers raise money using questionable means and large corporations often put finances ahead of the government.’

He added that he doesn’t use condoms when performing because he believes the risk of catching anything from a fellow porn star is ‘minute’.

Let’s face it folks, in today’s economy, everybody needs to working at least two jobs. And when it comes to sex, what kid could ask for a better teacher than Johnny Anglais?

Why Do Men Cheat? Ask Edmund Hillary

I couldn't help myself honey!

A new study, cited in this article on AOL News, says our old friend testosterone is the cause of male infidelity. You think?

Another incentive cited was the same one that drove Sir Edmund Hillary to climb Mt. Everest: Why do men want Strange? “Because it’s there.”

In short, the excuse (er, reason) middle-aged men get involved with women not their wives is one of my favorites: “I couldn’t help myself.”

[O]ne factor we think deserves more attention is the role of testosterone (T) in middle-aged men’s eroticism. In their twenties, men’s T levels begin a long decline, often experienced as diminished passion and appetite for life. Suppressed T levels are associated with depression, heart attacks, dementia, and overall mortality rates from 88 to 250 percent higher. One of the few things that can reliably and immediately revive a man’s sagging testosterone is exposure to a new woman. One researcher found that even a brief chat with an attractive woman raised men’s testosterone levels by fourteen percent within minutes.

Fourteen percent increase within minutes of a brief chat? They don’t call it The Power of the Pussy for nothing my friends.

As for “depression, heart attacks, dementia and overall mortality rates from 88 to 250 percent higher,” Shit, I might as well kill myself right now!

Or find a new woman.

How you doin’? Want to help me with a study I’m conducting?

Who’s Your Daddy?

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s father.

He asked if they were interested.

Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor then checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.

“Hugs and smiles” to Vicki O for sending this one in.

Don’t Taze My Granny!

Screw you copper!

Screw you copper!

According to this story at CourthouseNews.com, ten brave officers from the El Reno, Oklahoma police department barged into a bedridden 86 year-old woman’s apartment and tasered and handcuffed her after she “took a more aggressive posture in her bed.”

The woman’s grandson had placed a 911 call to have EMTs evaluate her medical condition after she could not communicate to him when she had last taken her prescription medication. Instead of EMTs a whole posse of poh-lease showed up loaded for bear.

Granny got pissed and told the cops to beat it, at which point…

“Instead, the apparent leader of the police [defendant Thomas Duran] instructed another policeman to ‘Taser her!’ He stated in his report that the 86 year-old plaintiff ‘took a more aggressive posture in her bed,’ and that he was fearful for his safety and the safety of others.

“Lonnie Tinsley told them, ‘Don’t taze my Granny!’ to which they responded that they would Taser him; instead, they pulled him out of her apartment, took him down to the floor, handcuffed him and placed him in the back of a police car.

Tinsley says the cops capped it all off by having his grandmother “placed in the psychiatric ward at the direction of the El Reno police; she was held there for six days and released.”

“The police then proceeded to approach Ms. Varner in her bed and stepped on her oxygen hose until she began to suffer oxygen deprivation.

“The police then fired a Taser at her and only one wire struck her, in the left arm; the police then fired a second Taser, striking her to the right and left of the midline of her upper chest and applied high voltage, causing burns to her chest, extreme pain and to pass out.

“The police then grabbed Ms. Varner by her forearms and jerked hands together, causing her soft flesh to tear and bleed on her bed; they then handcuffed her.

“The police freed Lonnie Tinsley from his incarceration in the back of the police car and permitted him to accompany the ambulance with his grandmother.”

There’s a lesson here kids, the same one (and probably the only one I ever successfully) taught my kids: When Mr. Policeman comes into your life, the only three legitimate utterances are Yes Sir, No Sir, No Excuse Sir.

I guess old Granny just wasn’t raised right. And there ain’t no fixin’ that.

Detroit Schools President Whacks Off During Board Meeting

I just gots to get my groove on!

When nature calls, a man’s just gotta’ answer!

According to this story in the Detroit Free Press, school board president Otis Mathis took a short pause for the cause during a recent school board meeting. No, really.

DPS police were investigating allegations by schools Superintendent Teresa Gueyser that during a meeting at about 5 p.m. Wednesday, Mathis touched himself for 20 minutes, then unzipped his pants.

Gueyser, in a memorandum to the board, said she ended the meeting.

“I told him that there was no reason for us to continue the meeting with that behavior,” she said.

Look, I was as bored in school as anyone. But not THAT bored. Our hero claims he has medical issues that “may have” contributed to “the incident.”

I simply cannot imagine any professional situation – school related or otherwise – where someone could believe that this was appropriate behavior to engage in.

Then again, we are talking about a man here.